Live Like You Were Dying

Today is my birthday.  I actually forgot it was my birthday.  With so much going on in my life between me, John and the kids, John's work, physical therapy, school, activities, Calli's birthday coming up and a million other things, I really just didn't pay attention to the date.  Yesterday as we were signing papers, John reminded me.  I was a little shocked.  Today, I am 39 years old.  One year shy of 40.

Being 40 doesn't scare me.  Dying scares me. And as I get older, I seem to think of death much more often.  There have been nights that I lay in bed and have panic attacks just thinking about it.  If I knew what really happens, I probably would be ok.  But the unknown terrifies me.  Is it just like going to sleep?  That peaceful drift.  Or are you trapped in an emptiness?  Are you reincarnated, destined to relive your life until you get it right, or sent to heavenly bliss?  Its the leaving that scares me.  Leaving everyone behind. If you think of it as "I'll die when I'm old.  Someday far away" you really don't notice it.  But if you think of it at this moment, right now, if I was to die, what would happen, that's crazy  Maybe when your in your 80's, you've lived so much that you're ready to be done.  Tired of trying to live.  But at 40, with so much left to do, could you go peacefully into that good night or would you rage, rage against the dying of the light. Just thinking of it makes my chest hurt and my stomach turn. I don't want to die, but I also don't want to be immortal.  I'm too poor for that.

But as my age increases and the thought of the end is ever more present, I realize that I have to seize the day and be more impulsive.  Do things that I never thought I would do.  Like move across the country and away from my family and friends.  Start a new life in a completely different place.  Maybe now really is the time.  I can experience and see things that I never could here.  If I am going to die, I want to say that I lived.  I never want to feel like I was just here and floating along.  I want to say, it's ok.  I've done all I wanted to do, I'm ready.

SEIZE THE DAY MY FRIENDS!!