Feeling Pretty

At work today, an older lady walked by me on her way out, turned and said, "Oh my, you're so pretty!"  - and she totally didn't mean it in that "Thank God you're pretty, cause you're so stupid" kind of way that I tend to use.  I was stunned.  No one has ever done that to me.  I'm still the fat girl at heart.  At this point, I've still spent more of my life fat then I have thin.  I still get shocked when I see myself in a mirror.  Still try on a size 10 even though I'm in a 6. 

I still hate my body.  I hate all the extra skin that I will never be able to afford to remove.  I look like I've melted when I'm naked and it's extremely embarrassing and I never feel sexy.

But with clothes on, ... I'm totally happy.  I look great.... (I think).  I'm getting old.  I have wrinkles around my eyes and my hair has a very loving relationship with the dye companies that cover the grey.  But at almost 40, I really shouldn't expect less.  And I definitely look better then I did in my 20's when I was pushing 270 pounds and wearing a size 22.  I no longer hear that "Oh, you have such a pretty face.  If only you lost the weight" speech.  Now I hear a lot more of the "Hot Mom" thing.  Although, I don't know how that makes me feel either. LOL

Unfortunately, most of the people around me are much younger then me and really think of me as "Mom".  Probably because I act like that.  All the kids at Cracker are just that... my kids.  I tend to give advice, comfort and care just like they were my own.  That's ok though.  I like being needed.  But I enjoy hearing that I'm a MILF.  LOL  On the other hand, I always second guess people when they say things like that.  Are they being truthful, or do they just say that to make me feel good.  When in actuality, they think I'm just another ugly, old lady.  Ah, they joys of low self esteem!

I pray my daughter never has to go through this.  Although, I know every girl does.  Every girl hates her body at some point and feels ugly.  I just hope hers only lasts a moment before she finds all the beauty that's within her.  She is a very pretty little girl.  She looks a lot like my niece Cassy when she was her age.  And if she turns out to be even a fraction of how gorgeous Cass became, she'll be blessed.