I'm stealing from Donna today. She sent me an email with Ponder-isms in it. I am a huge fan of Gallager (the comedian guy that splatters watermelon all over people) and he used to do these things all the time. Ya know, why do you park in a driveway and drive on the parkway kind of things. So here are some Ponder-isms with my commentary added.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Is it only presidents that get to be assassinated? Or maybe just political folk? I hope this blog gets so big that if someone takes me out they'll put assassinated on my tomb stone.

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Where do you think all that change in the couch comes from?? As it builds up, it changes to dimes and nickles.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Oh crap, I hope not. Because knowing my mother's taste, she'll dress me in something hideous. (Cause of course, Mommy's never allowed to die, she must live forever). Just bury me naked. It'll give St. Peter a good laugh. (Although, I'm probably not going that way) So the clothes will most likely just burn off. Why bother.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Cause you can't see the guy on the other street flashing the hookers when you're on the ground. You need to be up high for that bird's eye view.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Ok, so the size of my damn panties... it HAS to be plural. But bra should definitely be plural. There are TWO of them damnit. But I guess if you loose on in a freak accident, bra in the singular would be ok.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? I CARE. I REALLY CARE. It's very important to know what Jimmy is up too. So what if the guy that wrote the song didn't care. WE DO.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? I think this completely qualifies as 2 people in the car. The law doesn't saying anything about both people being able to breath.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? I think this is a long standing argument. Just remember people... there is book smart and common sense smart. Our dear professor was book smart. So making the radio was brilliant.... realizing that they could have been off the island 5 years ago if they shoved some of that coconut in the hole... takes common sense.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Don't worry... I'm as big of a dork as you are. I sat there and sang them and THEN read the next line. Were the folks who wrote those songs not able to find a musician? Did they just say "Ah, fuck it, just use the music from that other stupid song we wrote last week. No one will notice"