Sis is doing ok, just depressed I think because she's not jumping back up like she normally does. I sat with her for a couple hours yesterday and I think she started feeling better. It's nice to just sit and bull shit and not think about what's really going on.

As you can see from my last few post.. I need to start taking my happy pills again. I know I know, I already got the lecture from several people about not taking them. My posts have been scattered and random. Talking about nothing and everything at the same time. I apologize to anyone who is reading them and thinking that I've lost my mind. (cause I have) I should stop writing them until I can get myself together again, but I just can't seem to stop. So, while you read them.. if you're thinking that I'm not making any sense what so ever... you're right. BUT, it's sounds so right in my head - which is seriously messed up. Can't help it right now though. I'll get a grip soon or later.

Luckily I have friends that make me smile. It's funny how I can sit here and write this and have my mind going like crazy, not being able to focus on anything and feeling out of control and then a friend pops on IM and says hi and I can focus. I have people who tell me how much they like me and it makes me feel good. In case you didn't know, I'm a total looser who needs a LOT of attention and needs people to tell me how wonderful I am. Hell I'll settle for being told I look nice today. I even started doing my make-up the last couple of days so I can feel a little better. Maybe some guy will hit one me! Can't get better attention than that. You're married for so long that your husband looks at you as an afterthought. So getting a look from someone else... very nice. I could probably get a lot more of that kind of attention if I lost 80 pounds... hmm.

You see in my twisted head, if someone doesn't say something nice about me or smile at me or anything else stupid like that, I think they don't like me. And if they don't like me, well then why don't they like me? Have I said something wrong to them? Did I do something? How can I make them like me? Even if I really don't like that person and don't want to be friends with them... they still have to like ME! It's very convoluted.

I blame my childhood. I didn't get enough love as a child (Don't panic mom, I'm talking about the sperm donor, not you!) So I think I always have an overwhelming urge to feel that love, affection, attention... maybe that's why my marriage is always in the crapper. WOW, I just saved myself thousands of dollars. I don't need therapy.. I need someone to pay attention to me!

OK... I have no idea where all that came from... ok, maybe I do a little bit. Again, apologies to my readers. I promise to become normal again soon! I'm going to stop writing now before a reader calls the men in white coats after me..... although, that would probably be a nice quite vacation. Just sitting in my padded room ... ahhhh