This ones gonna be long!

OVER 2000 HITS TO MY BLOG! Totally cool! You like me, you really like me! LOL

My cousin comes up with the best words! She gave us Fucktard and now... Craptastic! I seriously love that word. Problem is... how do you use it? Would it be in a good way or a bad way? Like - The kids dumped a plant all over the floor... Craptastic! Or the kids dumped the plant and cleaned it all by themselves... Craptastic? Nah, I think it's the first one. Thank you Laura for broadening my vocabulary!

Ok Shelly sent me this email and I just have to put it on here and add all my wonderful comments!

This comes from an article out of Good Housekeeping Circa 1955. I'm sure some of us have seen it. I will help to adapt it to the 21st century.

The Good Wife's Guide

1a. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.

1b. Option a) Grab something out of the freezer and make a quick throw together meal. b) Run to Mcy D's and grab a meal. Order him a number 1#. You got him a drink, fries and a burger. All his needs are covered. Tell him if he wanted something else, he should have picked it up his damn self.

2a. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

2b. Prepare yourself. Take 2 minutes to take deep breaths before he gets home so you don't rip his head off. Make-up... HA, yeah right, like you've had time for that. Ribbon? Oh you mean that thing the cat has been playing with and shredded all over the floor which is why you're gonna rip his head off in the first place, cause he gave it to the stupid cat.

3a. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

3b. Your only duty is to make sure he doesn't put his muddy shoes on the table. He should be happy he had a boring day cause yours was insane! And since it was so insane and he's just gonna have to suck it up and hear all about it.

4a. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

4b. Clear a path. Make sure there are routes through the main part of the house so no one breaks their neck.

5a. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

5b. Over the cooler months make sure he lugs in as much wood as possible. Then you lite the fire cause if you wait for him to do it or get it burning you'll all freeze to death. After all, keeping the kids from becoming popsicles will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

6a. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quite.

6b. Prepare the children. Tell them if they don't shut up, dad's gonna knock'um through a wall. Then turn on the Wii. "The Wii, That'll shut'um up"

7a. Be happy to see him

7b. He BETTER be happy to see YOU

8a. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

8b. Throw a quick nod his way while you hand him the baby to change, answer the phone, stir dinner, help the older one with homework, get the cats out of the dog food and stop the dog from eating the cats.

9a. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of this arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

9b. Let him talk first, that way he can dig his own grave before you start asking the hard questions about what happened to the $400 in the bank account. Remember, his topics are more important than yours, cause this way your womanly instincts will tell you what he's trying to hide.

10a. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

10b. Don't complain, call a sitter. If he's out with the boys.. why can't you be. I'm sure those late nights, dinner and entertainment will stop pretty quick when he sees you at the bar with 6 other men.

11a. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

11b. Your goal: To make sure the bills get paid and the kids get fed and hope you have enough energy to stay awake long enough to give the old man a piece of ass once in a while.

12a. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

12b. Wait till he gets comfortable, then nail him!

13a. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

13b. Don't complain, hire an investigator. If he's staying out all night... he's a dead man. Also see #9b.

14a. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

14b. Follow 14a with the following changes, add a sleep aid to the drink and after taking off his shoes, tie his legs to the chair, followed by the rest of his body. You can then properly interrogate him about where he was all night. Idiot!! What the hell is wrong with you! Have you lost your freaking mind??? Make sure to slap him around a little bit too. Oh, and take pictures!

15a. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. A good wife always knows her place.

15b. It is 2008. Ladies, as a good wife, your place is Master of the House. Remember that they can't even wipe their own asses if it wasn't for you. You run the house, the kids, the bills... You have a your own job PLUS your home job. That's TWO full time jobs compared to his measly little one! And if you are a stay at home mom... Your full time job is 24/7/365! with no breaks except for the maybe 5 hours of sleep you can get. Cause even if they're napping, you're taking that time to do laundry, or dishes or clean. Our days are spent working, laundry, carpool, sports practice, dishes, dinner, clean up, baths, vacuuming, bills, dr.'s appointments, bedtime, more clean up, more bills, more clean up (cause with kids it's never ending) maybe throw in 10 min of tv and then drag your ass to bed. His day consists of working, coming home to eat the dinner you made, watching tv and going to bed. Hmm, I think it's a bit out of balance don't you?

I would NEVER have survived in 1955. I am such a Woman's Libber. I think the Donna Reed, Beaver Cleaver days were lovely for TV, but I hate it when woman of today fall into those rolls. It drives me mad!!! And I get in trouble all the time for saying it. I was lucky enough to marry a guy who "knows his place". Which is behind me (in more ways then one! HA). You ask him and he'll tell you "I where the pants in the family, whenever she lets me!) Which is exactly right. I will admit that I am overbearing. BUT, I grew up in a very matriarchal family. Men had NO say. It was our way or nothing. And that's how I rule my life. Just because I'm married doesn't mean I am now a slave or indebted to you in anyway whatsoever. Just remember, that if I left, you'd be FUCKED!

On that happy note. LOL

3 Days Left

Today's Did you know:

Slugs have 4 noses Ok, now I thought slugs were snails without shells. So now do they also have the foot is a nose thing and if so, does that mean slugs have 4 feet and if so, then where are they cause all you see is a blob and slime with two thingys on top. CRAPTASTIC!